By RONNIE ELLIS
CNHI News Writer
FRANKFORT ‘Tis the season, so here are tongue-in-cheek gifts for some we cover.
Too late for Hanukah gifts, but Lt. Gov. Jerry Abramson shouldn’t be left off our list, so how about the presidency of the Kentucky Community and Technical College System?
No lumps of coal in Gov. Steve Beshear’s stocking this year. He deserves sugar plums for joining with Congressman Hal Rogers to address the economic woes of eastern Kentucky and for trying to improve the health of our less fortunate neighbors. Let’s hope St. Nick also leaves some extra money for education under his tree. If that’s not possible, then maybe the jolly elf can provide a copy of George Harrison’s recording of “Taxman” — you know, just for ideas.
Rogers gets a full stocking for the SOAR effort but he’s feeling pretty blessed anyway now he actually has a budget number with which to work as he writes 13 appropriations bills.
Last year, we gave Sen. Mitch McConnell a miniature wood-chipper lapel pin to reflect his former chief of staff’s description of the way McConnell dismembers his political opponents. This year, we’d offer him the real thing. He’ll need some way to dispose of Obamacare after he’s pulled it out root and branch.
His campaign manager, Jesse Benton, needs some “Breathe Right Strips” in his stocking so he can free his hands and put them to useful work on McConnell’s campaign churning out those “Bailout Bevin” and “protect Christmas” emails.
Matt Bevin needs some whistles to go with his bells for his campaign and he could also use a good fourth quarter of fundraising so he can get on the airwaves and fight back.
Alison Lundergan Grimes needs some extra closet space for all those empty dresses the Republicans say she favors. Maybe she can find some extra time in her schedule as well to spend time talking issues with reporters.
Kentucky’s only Democratic member of Congress, John Yarmuth, is looking for playmates, but he’ll have to wait at least until next Christmas to find any. Republican Congressmen Andy Barr and Thomas Massie should find copies of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.”
Sen. Rand Paul could use one of those too as he worries about the long-term unemployed but he’ll instead find a copy of the “MLA Style Book” so he’ll understand when and how to attribute quotes. If Santa thinks he’s been extra nice, Paul might also find an NAACP membership card.
Democratic House Speaker Greg Stumbo and Republican Minority Leader Jeff Hoover each get a new abacus to help them figure out how to get to 51. Stumbo famously favors cowboy boots for footwear, but he may need a set of waders as he explains away the inaction of the House Select Committee he appointed to investigate sexual harassment allegations.
We know what Agriculture Commissioner James Comer wants to find in his customized hemp fiber stocking: the 2015 Republican nomination for governor. On the other hand, he’s probably worried he’ll find a couple of lumps of coal left there by party bosses and Hal Heiner who also is hoping Santa delivers a gubernatorial nomination.
State Senate Majority Leader Damon Thayer, R-Georgetown, gets a toy wrecking ball so he can demolish “big Daddy government.” He’s also hoping for an invitation to appear again on The Daily Show, maybe this time to discuss legislation to make libraries beg magistrates for room at the inn.
What I genuinely hope you find in your own stocking is peace and good will and that you are surrounded by the warmth and love of family. God bless us every one. Merry Christmas.
RONNIE ELLIS writes for CNHI News Service and is based in Frankfort. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow CNHI News Service stories on Twitter at www.twitter.com/cnhifrankfort.
By RONNIE ELLIS
- Local News
Acres and acres of eggs
A dozen volunteers spent the morning Saturday scattering more than 6,000 plastic eggs around the Greenup County Farm Bureau’s 10-acre field Saturday morning.
- Volunteers to pack thousands of meals for hungry Haitians
- Sheriff candidates ready for election
- Russell High School wins State Science Olympiad
- Russell Middle School state Science Olympiad champions
- Acres and acres of eggs
- Local Sports
Pole vaulters conquer wind in Chattin
Raceland’s Connor Messer and Fairview’s Morgan McIntyre raised the bar anyway at Saturday’s Ernie Chattin Memorial Invitational.
Despite a windy challenge — especially for Messer — on the hilltop at Ashland Athletic Complex, both athletes set new pole vault marks for the 11-year-old meet and received Outstanding Performance awards.
- Stock soaring for East eighth-grader Fouts
- Lewis snaps 4-game skid, beats Ashland, 2-1
- HIGH SCHOOL ROUNDUP: Hensley fires 2nd no-no in 2 days, Kittens split
- Streak snapped: Comets end 40-game losing streak to Raiders
- Pole vaulters conquer wind in Chattin
Norbert C. Wrubel - 1930-2014
Norbert C. Wrubel of Grand Ledge, Mich., formerly of Ashland, a loving father, grandfather and friend passed away April 17, 2014, surrounded by family.
- Jerry Sanford Jordan - 1918-2014
- Robert Wilson Evans - 1936-2014
- Joyce Ann Keleher - 1937-2014
- Kristal Leigh Coburn Tygart - 1967-2014
- Norbert C. Wrubel - 1930-2014
While virtually all cities in northeastern Kentucky provide their residents with some utility services — water and sewer, mainly, and sometimes natural gas — to the best of our knowledge, Olive Hill is the only town in the FIVCO region with its own electrical company.
- 'Waited too long'
- Enact HB 3
- State officials cease efforts to stop advance of ash borer
- Demise of apparel industry in Kentucky continues
- What's next?
Lana Bellamy: Waking up America's youth: 4/18/14
I once read a quote by a man saying the reason today’s youth do not have the same “spunk” as youth in the past is because they do not have inspiration.
- Mark Maynard: Let’s just forget about it: 04/17/14
- Uncovering forgotten treasures
- Political stories worth retelling
- Tim Preston: Great salmon; finding Dr. Amy; and more Maria: 4/13/14
- Lana Bellamy: Waking up America's youth: 4/18/14
- College Basketball
Another amazing finish
Kentucky defeated Wisconsin 74-73 in the national semifinals on Saturday night, winning again on a late 3-pointer from Aaron Harrison. The Wildcats play for their ninth championship on Monday night against Connecticut.
- Kentucky freshmen against UConn comeback players
- Kentucky took the hard way to verge of Final Four
- Seldom-used Hood plays different roles at Kentucky
- NCAA TOURNAMENT: Cats, Cardinals both play Friday night at 9:40
- Another amazing finish
- CNHI News Service Originals
Fired coach unjustly accused of visiting porn sites
The president of Minnesota State University-Mankato accused a football coach of looking at Internet porn on a work computer before firing him, an arbitrator has revealed. The official said the claim could not be supported, and the coach shouldn't have been fired.
- Investigators seek cause of fire that killed 3 brothers
- Sibling says Dexter drama motivated sister's 'lie' of mass murder
- No shows escaped death by Craigslist killer
- A 9-year-old's 'avalanche' of ailments confounds specialists
- Fired coach unjustly accused of visiting porn sites