Ever try these pick-up lines?
"I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"
"On a scale of 1 to 10, you're a nine. I'm the one you need!"
"Did it hurt? The fall from heaven?"
Didn't work, did they?
Well, I don't claim to be a relationship expert or Will Smith's "Hitch" character, but I do happen to know a thing or two about what transpired on Friday night.
And I wasn't on a date — actually, my wife and I just celebrated five years of marriage recently. Hold the applause, hold the applause …
Sheez, it doesn't take much to impress anymore, does it?
By the way, I tried "Hitch's" advice about waiting until the third date to kiss one time in college. It totally backfired.
Instead, I recommend employing this tactic ... Date somebody long-distance for almost three years. Take a break for four years. Then, get back together.
Still with me? Even my wife, who that strategy unbelievably worked on, has put the paper down by now.
As for you, let's talk football, shall we?
Who came up with the best pick-up lines to start the 2013 season?
Maybe it was Quinton Baker, who cooked up quite a performance with just a baker's dozen. He took 13 carries and created 236 yards for Ashland. Quick fact: he's a sophomore.
It could've been A.J. Cyrus, who — I'm sorry, can't help it — was (achy) breaking Boyd County's hearts on Friday night.
This weekend did leave me with a couple questions:
‰Is there a penalty for puking?
‰Motorcycles aside, is a helmet required in the state of Kentucky?
Boyd County's Jason Smith upchucked on the field, apparently, and was forced to the sideline by officials. He re-appeared two plays later for a first-down gain.
Charlie Bradshaw doesn't need his Lawrence County helmet to continue blocking for a teammate as he gallops to a first down. Oh, in reality, he does according to KHSAA rules. But who's going to stop him? The officials did on Friday, as they were all over the "illegal participation" call, the first your Monday Morning Quarterback has ever witnessed in six seasons of covering football — it was the correct call, by the way.
While several schools haven't yet seen their football seasons get underway, it was an entertaining first weekend, for sure.
Got any since?
‰Boyd County hadn't allowed 56 points in a season opener since … 1996. The Lions relented 57 points in a 57-28 loss at East Bank (W.Va.) that year.
Now close your eyes, Lions fans … Are they closed? OK. Boyd County went 0-10 that season.
History lesson! East Bank used to be a sports power. The school produced NBA legend Jerry West. It was consolidated with DuPont High School in 1999 to form Riverside.
‰Ashland hadn't lost a game in August since … 2008. The Tomcats had won nine straight August affairs before Friday's loss to NCC. Raceland outlasted Ashland in overtime on Aug. 29, 2008. The Tomcats host Raceland this Friday.
‰Lawrence County hadn't scored 56 points in a season opener since … 2010. Even though these Bulldogs proved they're capable of offensive explosiveness, don't be surprised if they can't match the season-opening tear they experienced three seasons ago. They scored 67, 75 and 55 points amid a 3-0 start in 2010.
‰The QB hasn't predicted a score right since … Saturday! Did you really think I was going to let you forget that I had predicted "Raceland 40, East Carter 14?" Come on, you know me better than that by now!
‰Four stickers: Quinton Baker (Ashland), A.J. Cyrus (Lawrence County), Connor Messer (Raceland).
While I realize that Newport Central Catholic lost quite a bit from last season, this statistic is still impressive — the Thoroughbreds allowed 200 rushing yards to a TEAM, let alone an individual, only once all of last season. Baker had 236 of Ashland's 361 total yards of offense.
Cyrus ran for 165 yards and threw (just three times) for 134. He found the end zone four times.
I guess I went in both alphabetical and chronological order, because Messer probably shouldn't be listed last, even with this tough crowd. Anyhow, Messer's 130 receiving yards and two touchdowns — one on each side of the ball — warrant him a spot here.
‰Three: Alec Risner (Raceland), James Queen (Ashland), Isaac Weddington (Lewis County), Timmy Dalton (Lawrence County), Mark Fannin (Paintsville).
‰Two: Adam Elkins (Raceland), Ryan Bird (Greenup County), Kent Phelps (Paintsville), Cole Mosley (Lawrence County).
‰One: Noah Lambert (Lawrence County), Derek Ferguson (Lawrence County), Jason Smith (Boyd County), Jordan Davis (Lewis County), Justin Holcomb (Boyd County).
1. Johnson Central (0-0)
2. Fairview (0-0)
3. Raceland (1-0)
4. Lawrence County (1-0)
5. Ashland (0-1)
6. Russell (0-0)
7. Lewis County (1-0)
Welcome to the Show, Miss 1,000!
"Congratulations" and "Thank You" are in order from the QB to Stephanie Huddle. In becoming my 1,000th Twitter follower on Saturday morning, Huddle earned herself a spot on the prediction panel as promised.
She will pick games alongside The Independent staff for the remainder of the season.
Keep an eye on her East Carter picks, as she may or may not have some Raider ties (wink, wink)!
Did you miss it?
Here are area scores from this past weekend: Newport Central Catholic 37, Ashland 26; Lawrence County 56, Boyd County 15; Lewis County 26, Greenup County 20; Paintsville 55, Pineville 32; Raceland 40, East Carter 14; George Rogers Clark 58, Rowan County 13.
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AARON SNYDER can be reached at email@example.com or (606) 326-2664.