Published: November 01, 2009 11:49 pm      

Just say ‘no’ to adult children

DON MCNAY

It seems like every family has one — a child who never grew up.

They mooch off their parents well into “adulthood.” They frequently “borrow” money with no intention of paying it back. They have car problems, relationship problems and bad luck, all of which has the same proposed solution: Money from Mom and Dad.

Often they live with Mommy and Daddy, long past the time when their contemporaries start careers and families. Concepts like budgeting, responsibility and ambition aren’t in their vocabularies.

Former University of Michigan basketball star Rumeal Robinson, according to multiple media accounts, took it to a new art. He tricked his mother into letting him mortgage her home.

A headline in a Miami newspaper sums it up: “Hoops hero Rumeal Robinson blew a fortune on strippers, got indicted and left his mom homeless.” Sounds like a great guy.

Mooching children usually don’t hurt parents as dramatically, but the results are still bad. Adult children with a “failure to launch” drag down parents who can’t afford to subsidize them.

The headline from a recent Newsweek online article read, “Retired and Broke.”

The American Association of Retired Persons reports people over 55 are more likely than those in any other age group to declare bankruptcy. The article cites the usual causes — medical expenses and credit card debt - but hammers on the idea of parents not giving money to their children.

The article ends by noting, “Parents may want to help the next generation extricate itself from debt. Leading by example might be a more valuable gift.”

Wise advice. It’s not easy to implement.

There are situations, like medical emergencies or short-term downturns, where families have no other alternative. I’m also not talking about children with severe illnesses or who are unable to work. I wouldn’t throw my sick child out on the street, and neither would you.

I’m talking about the child who has a car, an iPhone and running-around money but doesn’t chip in for rent or groceries.

You are not doing your children any favors by not allowing them to grow up.

Roger Ailes did an interview for C-SPAN a few years ago. He said when he turned 18, his father asked him where he planned to live.

Ailes was puzzled. His dad said, “I can get you a job at the factory (where his dad worked), but you can’t live here.” Ailes decided to go to Ohio University and got into broadcasting. He went on to create Fox News and CNBC, and has played major roles in some presidential campaigns.

Love him or hate him, Ailes is one of the most influential people in American media. His father forced him to grow up and make his mark.

I had a similar moment on my 18th birthday. My father took me outside and said, “You are going to get what I got on my 18th birthday - the whole wide world to make your living in.” (Dad had to quit school and go to work at age 15.)

Dad pointed to his car. He said, “You see that Cadillac? That is MY Cadillac not OUR Cadillac. Make some money and buy your own.” Twenty years later, I did.

It wasn’t “tough love.” It was making me realize I was an adult and had adult responsibilities.

I’m OK with parents helping children through college, in four years not 40. After that, the children are on their own.

Which brings me back to the adult in your house who acts like a child. I can go on for hours about how making life too soft for him or her is bad, about how eating away your savings leaves you in a situation where death is your only way out. I can go on about how giving adult children money is not love but instead enabling bad behavior, like giving heroin to an addict.

I’m seeing a lot of elderly people lose their houses and savings because children “borrowed” money and never paid it back. It’s time to cut those children off.

The kids will pout and cry. They will try to make you feel guilty. Immature people do that.

Show them that you are a real, loving parent and not a patsy. Just say “No.”

Your own survival is at stake.

DON McNAY writes for the Richmond Register.