Daily Independent (Ashland, KY)

March 2, 2014

Making light of the situation

Keith Kappes
The Independent

ASHLAND — The old sports writer wasn’t happy when the editor asked him to cover a high school band concert after another reporter became ill.

The sports guy went to the concert and dutifully wrote his review. Here is his first paragraph:

“The high school band played Beethoven last night. Beethoven lost.”

In the same vein is that cynical observation by a sportscaster who watched his team fumble away a football game in the closing seconds.

He said his team had “snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.”

The great humorist Will Rogers was fond of saying he never met a man he didn’t like.

The late Howard Cosell, a sharp-tongued sportscaster for ABC’s “Monday Night Football,” said harsh things about the Cincinnati Bengals early in the season. He may have been the first to call them the “Bungles.”

When the Bengals appeared again that same season on a Monday night telecast, two Bengals fans unfurled a giant banner at the 50-yard line with this message:

“Will Rogers never met Howard Cosell.”

But the all-time winner in sports has to be the retiree in Cleveland who wrote in his will last year he wanted the Cleveland Browns to provide six players as pallbearers at his funeral.

He said the reason for his unusual request was he wanted to give the Browns one more chance to let him down.

John Wayne heard two men arguing in a bar. He liked one of their comments so much he had it written into the script of a movie he was filming.

The bad guy is trying to start a fight by saying nasty things to Wayne’s character. At that point, Wayne replies:

“Mister, you’re short on ears and long on mouth.”

KEITH KAPPES is publisher of The Morehead News, Olive Hill Times and Grayson Journal-Enquirer. Reach him at kkappes@cnhi.com