Published: October 13, 2009 11:15 pm      

John Cannon: No party to celebrate explorer: 10/14/09

I was home alone Monday night feeling lonely and unpopular.

Since my wife teaches an English as a second language class at the adult education center at Ashland Community and Technical College’s Roberts Drive on Monday nights, it is not unusual for me to dine alone and either watch a movie or play games on the computer on Monday nights. Some Mondays I even work late here at The Independent knowing I will not be missed at home. On most Mondays, I don’t feel the least bit depressed.

But most Mondays are not a holiday. Thus, on this Monday, I sat home alone realizing that for the 61st consecutive year, I had not been invited to a Columbus Day party.

Do people even have Columbus Day parties? While you would never know it by me, they must. After all, for at least a handful of people — federal employees, those who work at banks, postal workers, etc. — Columbus Day is a holiday, and what are holidays for if not partying?

Yet, I continue to attempt to soothe my hurt feelings about not being invited to a Columbus Day party by convincing myself not that many people south of Columbus, Ohio, have Columbus Day parties. Besides what exactly would one do to celebrate Columbus Day?

To be sure, “Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492,” thereby being credited with discovering the New World, but if it is had not been old Chris Columbus, I’m confident some other explorer would have discovered the new world. In fact, Viking Leif Erikson had landed in Newfoundland some 400 years before Columbus set sail to find a new passage to India, but the Vikings did not find the New World interesting enough to remain here permanently. If they had, they would have changed the course of history, and we may be celebrating Erikson Day instead of Columbus Day. (In fact, according to a Web site I found, the United States does celebrate Leif Erikson Day each Oct. 9. Who knew?)

Christopher Columbus never set foot in what is now the United States. If we were going to celebrate the role of Spanish conquistadors in establishing a European presence in what is now the United States, Vasquez de Coronado and Juan Ponce de Leon would be more worthy than Columbus for special recognition. After all, Ponce de Leon led expeditions to what now is Florida, while Coronado was the first European to explore the American southwest.

But we have no celebration of either Ponce de Leon or Coronado. Maybe that’s because their motivations sound a bit crazy to us today. Ponce de Leon was searching for the Fountain of Youth but died of old age without ever finding it. Coronado was seeking the mythical seven cities of gold.

Today we know better. Instead of seeking for a nonexistent Fountain of Youth we visit plastic surgeons for facelifts and other man-made improvements to the bodies God made for us, proving that Solomon was right when he wrote in Ecclesiastes 1:2 that “vanity of vanities; all is vanity.”

Instead of seeking the seven cities of gold, we invest in our 401(k) plans which are proving as mythical as those seven cities. Either that or we buy lottery tickets, which is the next best thing to flushing our cash down the toilet.

So not wanting to celebrate special days for nuts who were seeking nonexistent fountains and cities of gold, we are stuck with Columbus Day. But how do we observe it, particularly when the replicas of two of the three ships that Columbus sailed are not in Huntington?

I can only think of one song that mentions Christopher Columbus, but somehow the words, “Christopher Columbo now what do you think of that? A big fat lady sat up on my hat ...” do not seem fitting for Columbus Day. Nor do dancing or games or dining or any other traditional holiday activities seem appropriate.

Maybe that’s why I have never been to a Columbus Day party. No one has them because no one knows what do at them.

So maybe I should not be offended by not being invited to non-existent Columbus Day parties, but I also did not get any greeting cards wishing me a “Happy Columbus Day!” Should I be insulted by such a snub?

Maybe not. After all, the mail is not delivered on Columbus Day. In most years, that’s the only way I know it’s a holiday.

JOHN CANNON can be reached at jcannon@dailyindependent.com or at (606) 326-2649.