Published: June 16, 2009 10:30 pm      

John Cannon: Advice from one father to another

Come September, just two months before my granddaughter’s 14th birthday and a few days after my mother’s 92nd birthday, I will become a grandfather for the second time. My wife and I have waited a long time for grandchild No. 2, and we had just about given up on having one.

But soon I will be bouncing a tiny granddaughter on my knee, and I can hardly wait. It will be my daughter’s second child, but her husband’s first. Thus, in celebration of Father’s Day, I offer my son-in-law some totally unsolicited and probably unwanted advice.

He would probably say he became a father the day he married my daughter, but that’s not exactly true. He became a stepfather on that day, and while the roles are similar, being a stepfather is not the same as being a father.

I speak from experience. I became a stepfather on the day I married my wife 33 years ago. It was one the most difficult jobs of my life. My stepson was 8 when I married his mother. His personality was already formed.

By the same token, my granddaughter was 11 when my daughter married for the second time. Her new stepfather had to accept her for who she already was. There wasn’t much he could do to change her. I personally think he was lucky to have such a super kid sharing his household — but then I’m prejudiced when it comes to my granddaughter.

Becoming a father of a newborn is different. I don’t claim to be an expert on fatherhood. I made many mistakes with my children and have experienced both the joys and disappointments of fatherhood. But every now and then, I did something right.

With that in mind, here’s my advice for the daddy-to-be in the family:

‰Take time to be with your new daughter from the day of her birth. Hold her, cuddle her, change her diapers, feed her, burp her, rock her when she’s fussy and won’t go to sleep.

My wife nursed her babies. Therefore, I never had to give them a bottle. But I remember late one night when my daughter was fussy and my wife woke me and said, “You take her. I have fed her and she won’t stop crying. I’ve done all I can do; it’s your turn.”

I took my child to another room, held her in my arms and began rocking her as I sat in a recliner. At first she refused to stop crying and I became convinced that neither one of us would get any more sleep that night. But as I rocked her and sang to her, she began to quiet down. The next thing I knew it was 7:30 a.m. and we were both still in the recliner.

More than 30 years later, I still consider that the night my daughter and I bonded as father and daughter. Son-in-law, don’t miss such opportunities.

‰Don’t try to live your life over through your children.

Many years ago I was at the house of a former high school football star whose days as an athlete were shortened by a serious injury. As he bounced his young son on his knee, he shared his hopes for the boy: “Maybe he will go farther than I did as a player.”

I wanted to say: “Suppose he doesn’t want to play football?” — but I didn’t. But it saddened me to think that he was expecting his son to complete his unfulfilled dream as a football player.

Son-in-law, I know your daughter will never play football, but whatever she chooses to do, encourage her to do her best. Be an encourager. We already have too many critics in this world.

‰Don’t pretend to be perfect because you are not, and it won’t take your daughter long to discover that. Admit you mistakes to your daughter, but try to limit them and learn from them. Being a parent is not easy and there is no such thing as the “perfect” parent.

We all make mistakes. I have forgiven my children for theirs, and I hope they have forgiven me for mine. That’s what God expects.

JOHN CANNON can be reached at jcannon@dailyindependent.com or at (606) 326-2649.