Published: May 26, 2009 08:55 am      

CATHIE SHAFFER: Great news in hard times

Guess what? I’m a millionaire!

I couldn’t believe it, either, but I got an e-mail telling me all I have to do is call a number and a million dollars will be deposited in my bank account.

I don’t know how these folks got my name. Don’t know the lady who e-mailed me — heck, I can’t even pronounce her name. But boy, will that million dollars come in handy now.

Especially since I don’t have to pay tax on it. Really. That’s what the lady with the long, unpronounceable name said. Since the money is coming from a foreign country and going right into my account, everything will be swell.

Let me tell you, knowing I’m going to be rich is certainly taking a load off my mind. I’ve been playing the lottery regularly — my own self-designed retirement plan — but I’m not doing too well. Matter of fact, my cost to profit ratio is even poorer than the stock market’s and nearly as bad as all those banks that got bailed out.

Yep, that million will be a lifesaver. My go-to-work car has well over 200,000 miles on it. As soon as I get that money, I can replace it with a brand-new car at rock-bottom prices.

My sectional’s looking a little sad, too, thanks to years of kids and the cat’s inclination to use it as a launch pad. I’ve been longing for a bathroom re-do, too. Not that my baby blue tub and 20-year-old linoleum aren’t enchanting, mind you, but I’m ready for a change.

For years, my family’s played that “when I win the lottery game,” so I already know what everyone wants.

The adventure will start with a trip to Vegas, followed by a rail tour of Alaska. My mom’s getting a new kitchen, and my sister gets new appliances all through the house.

A few necessities will go to the kids and grandkids, but I believe I’ll also drop some bucks on them and let them go wild at the flea market and dirt bike dealership.

I happened to mention this wonderful opportunity to a loved one, who frowned and shook her head. She sat me down and explained it was a scam — that once the lady with that long name got my bank account information, my own funds would disappear.

I appreciate the concern, because I know rip-offs like that happen all the time. Yet I’m really tempted to take the risk.

After all, if some scammer is desperate enough to go after the $11.27 in my savings account, I believe they may need it worse than I do.