Published: November 17, 2009 11:10 am      

Grief during holidays

Community Hospice offers advice for coping; free counseling available for groups, individuals

ASHLAND — The most wonderful time of year can be the worst time of year for those struggling with loss.

That’s why Community Hospice offers free bereavement counseling year-round with some extra group sessions aimed specifically at grief during the holidays.

Bereavement counselor Debbie Smith said Thanksgiving is typically the time when the loss of a loved one is felt the most intensely, but she said even Halloween can signal a time of holiday grief.

“For some people I know, it starts at trick or treat,” she said. “It happened and they weren’t expecting it to be a problem, but it was.”

Whether grief arises at Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas or some other holiday, Smith said holidays can mean feeling sadness and loss.

“This time of year, you start thinking toward Thanksgiving and Christmas and family gatherings and you think, ‘This person isn’t here and everything is supposed to be hunky dory but it’s not. There’s a big part of my life missing.’”

She said those feelings can be even more evident when there are personality extremes in the family that are in conflict. For instance, some family members insist things be done exactly the same way from one year to the next, which highlights the fact that some family members are no longer there, making it impossible to keep traditions exactly the same from one year to the next.

Family members who refuse to participate in any kind of family gathering or holiday ritual because of a loss also accentuate that loss.

Smith said survivors react in different ways to different holidays “because everyone grieves differently,” but she said she believes Christmas usually is the most difficult.

“We have such high expectations at Christmas that our expectations in general make grief worse,” she said.

Support from hospice can help.

She said a wide variety of people and various configurations of family members attend counseling session. However, there are usually more women than men.

“Men and women grieve differently,” Smith said. “Women tend to talk about our feelings more than men, whether it’s societal or the way we’re wired. Men have a harder time expressing their feelings.”

She said it’s important to express feelings of sadness, anger and loneliness because if unexpressed, they become destructive.

“I suggest to men that they do physical activity,” she said. “Many times they’ll work out their grief physically.”

Smith said it’s important to be honest about one’s feelings to work out grief.

Other suggestions for dealing with grief include:

‰Sit down with the family and decide what each wants out of the holidays. Try to find common ground and keep expectations realistic for yourself and others.

‰Decide whether you will keep things the same as always or change everything; sometimes changing just one thing may be helpful.

‰Remember you have permission to not do things. Let others know if you don’t want to host the family get together this year, for example.

‰You have permission to do the holiday things that you enjoy.

‰Let others help. Don’t assume others know to help: ask.

‰Consider cutting back or not sending cards this year.

‰If Christmas shopping is painful for you, consider shopping early in the season or take along a shopping buddy. Also consider online shopping or catalog shopping.

‰Be good to yourself and don’t expect too much. If you feel like crying, it’s OK.

‰Get lots of rest.

‰Although you need time alone when grieving, be careful not to isolate yourself.

‰Share favorite stories of your loved one at family get-togethers.

‰Make a toast or light a candle in remembrance.

‰Make a donation to your loved one’s favorite charity in their name.

‰Find ways to make the season better for someone else — volunteer at a soup kitchen, adopt a child or family in need.

If you know someone who is grieving:

‰Let them talk about their feelings and about their loved one.

‰Don’t try to fix them. Let them cry if they want to.

‰Don’t pretend their loved one didn’t die. It’s OK to say their name.

‰Don’t say: “At least he’s not suffering anymore”, “She’s in a better place” or “I know how you feel.”

Free grief counseling is offered in group sessions or on an individual basis for anyone in the community, even if the deceased did not use hospice services.

LEE WARD can be reached at lward@dailyindependent.com or (606) 326-2661.